Woman… this one word holds a lot in itself.

Marriage.. somehow automatically connected to the first word right from the birth of a child as a girl.

Today I realized that yes I am a woman who has stepped into the realm of this phenomenon called marriage and I am half-way already in terms of ceremonies. Engaged as per the official records.

Since this first phenomenon took place I have been getting advises on hows and whats of marriage as well as how to take care of the whys.

The great epic Mahabharata speaks on women as an object of consumption for the men. Though the changing times has tried to do away with womens’s personification as an object of luxury, the mindset of the majority is yet to experience this change. This objectification is not visible even if some individual is practicing primarily because of the legal envelope provided by “marriage”. At time women are exploited under the pretext of they being married to the exploiter.

This is an altogether a different dimension of abusive marriages. What I am thinking, experiencing and writing is about the first steps towards this huge institution.

Today morning’s event was an eye-opener. Not an eye-opener exactly but a tight slap on the face bringing back to the reality. Yes, “the” reality. What was being told to me since last few days of my role being changing and the responsibilities being adding up along with the changing dynamics of the relationship came altogether in a package and hit me on my head. I am no more a single independent brash girl. The transformation has started. Now I am expected to be something else. And if I fail in that things will become worse.

Duties and their fulfillment is the core agenda now. I have chosen to spend my life, give my life and myself to some person and hence at every step I only have to give and devote selflessly. Compromise is the key for a stable relationship. I will have to leave my ideals, beliefs and practices because I cannot make the other person follow them and their breach will upset me. So the middle path needs to be adopted. Cleanliness is the biggest flaw of my character which irks him and it is going to be the most difficult to part ways with it. My discipline towards life and its activities are the next in the list.

I will have to complement him in all ways because I am going to be the wife.

He wants to mould me as per his needs, wants, customs though I cannot help myself wondering whether he knows what I want. But I guess that does not matter in the long run. It is my duty to take care of him and do what he thinks is the best. My difference of opinion may lead to his displeasure and make him angry.

Anger is what I cannot tolerate. Today whatever happened in the morning has scared me.

Woman encompasses all roles under one, an epitome of sacrifice, a symbol of provider. Same needs to be done. Let go of all desires and embrace the person who is going to be the life partner. “it is your duty”, these words are constantly ringing in my ears.

Yes, life is changing. This yellow metal shining on my finger is a constant reminder of this fact. Probably this is the reason why “ring ceremony” takes place. Serves as a reminder that you are not alone any more and bigger responsibilities lie ahead.

When I cried in the morning I missed my mother. I do not cry because I am weak. I cry because at that moment I feel unable to express. I am either overwhelmed or scared and intimidated.

It is true that you cannot expect men to be as sensitive and understanding as women. They are programmed differently and hence react differently. Internalizing this fact needs some time as each woman expects from her man to read her before she says something, to make her feel loved without her telling him to do that, express his feelings etc. expression does not come to men easily. They do not think about the consequences, the roads that may diverge and the efforts which may bring unforeseen results. My man is no different.

And since I understand this I am supposed to be more understanding.