Days are
passing so quickly. Time is flying really. My brain is feeling incapable of
imbibing the pace with which things are happening. I wish I can hold this time
for some more moments.
I cannot
help myself thinking of the D-day and the days following it. The picture is
vivid in my mind of platform from where I will depart leaving everything that
was supposed to be mine for all these 24 years. Taking a new identity, new responsibilities, new image , the train
will depart and I will watch with tears welled up in my eyes. At first I used
to think I will never cry on any occasion but I now believe it was just my
immaturity. No one will be able to stop me from crying, I have this feeling
quite strongly now. Tears well into my eyes every time I think about it then
how will they not come when it will actually be happening.
I have
always put up a brave face, even if I am crumbling from inside but I do not
think any courage will work that day. When face of my mum and dad flash infront
of me all I get to my knees. Dad especially. My sisters, who I have tended like babies.
This phase
comes in every women’s life, only the intensity is different. In my case it is
indeed intense. Or is it that I am experiencing it too intensely. I do not
know.
I wish my
to-be husband could talk to me more. Talk means real talk. He is so forgetful and
sbsent-minded that it will never occur to him that he should try to know what
is going in my mind or such feelings could be so intense. He misses the trees
for the forest. And then I feel empty.
I have been
the kind that I need real conversations to keep my sanity in place. Else it
will be like me functionally doing everything, performing every chore,
maintaining social life but spiritually and emotionally getting empty day by
day.
Wish he
could understand.
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