Chapters Pre-Nuptial-1

Another night of arguments, another night of lingering despair. Failing to understand what is happening. Why is the emphasis on me understanding everything and the next person dancing away in ignorance. I at times wonder whether he has ever tried to understand me. Me as a person, me as a manifestation of my habits, my beliefs and my faith. At times the answer is yes but his expressions of exasperation reverse all positive beliefs.

I do not know what it is. Is he like an onion? Peel by peel new revelations. His anger scares me. His violence intimidates me. It takes me one step farther from him. Its already like I have been married for 10 years and everything is lost in the marriage. If I tell him this, he will say I am mad to think this but will he really try to understand why I feel so.

These all are blank questions. Maybe marriage and commitments are like this. Maybe when marriage comes love is lost amidst the baggage of responsibilities. But is it supposed to be me carrying these responsibilities? I am suppose to leave my house and everything behind to enter into an entirely different set of scene. But how can I let go of my responsibilities for my parents and my sisters, for whom the world circles around me. Is he going to support me to be there for them? How can I tell.

Indian society and seeds grown in this society can never change. I will never be able to forget the words spoken last night nor the look in his eyes. I guess this is what marriage brings: submission and this is what I need to follow to maintain peace.

It’s a Sunday today and what I am doing is cooking and cleaning with my future husband sleeping soundly. Guess this is the fate every woman comes to and is born with. Selfless serving.