Woman… this one word holds a lot in itself.

Marriage.. somehow automatically connected to the first word right from the birth of a child as a girl.

Today I realized that yes I am a woman who has stepped into the realm of this phenomenon called marriage and I am half-way already in terms of ceremonies. Engaged as per the official records.

Since this first phenomenon took place I have been getting advises on hows and whats of marriage as well as how to take care of the whys.

The great epic Mahabharata speaks on women as an object of consumption for the men. Though the changing times has tried to do away with womens’s personification as an object of luxury, the mindset of the majority is yet to experience this change. This objectification is not visible even if some individual is practicing primarily because of the legal envelope provided by “marriage”. At time women are exploited under the pretext of they being married to the exploiter.

This is an altogether a different dimension of abusive marriages. What I am thinking, experiencing and writing is about the first steps towards this huge institution.

Today morning’s event was an eye-opener. Not an eye-opener exactly but a tight slap on the face bringing back to the reality. Yes, “the” reality. What was being told to me since last few days of my role being changing and the responsibilities being adding up along with the changing dynamics of the relationship came altogether in a package and hit me on my head. I am no more a single independent brash girl. The transformation has started. Now I am expected to be something else. And if I fail in that things will become worse.

Duties and their fulfillment is the core agenda now. I have chosen to spend my life, give my life and myself to some person and hence at every step I only have to give and devote selflessly. Compromise is the key for a stable relationship. I will have to leave my ideals, beliefs and practices because I cannot make the other person follow them and their breach will upset me. So the middle path needs to be adopted. Cleanliness is the biggest flaw of my character which irks him and it is going to be the most difficult to part ways with it. My discipline towards life and its activities are the next in the list.

I will have to complement him in all ways because I am going to be the wife.

He wants to mould me as per his needs, wants, customs though I cannot help myself wondering whether he knows what I want. But I guess that does not matter in the long run. It is my duty to take care of him and do what he thinks is the best. My difference of opinion may lead to his displeasure and make him angry.

Anger is what I cannot tolerate. Today whatever happened in the morning has scared me.

Woman encompasses all roles under one, an epitome of sacrifice, a symbol of provider. Same needs to be done. Let go of all desires and embrace the person who is going to be the life partner. “it is your duty”, these words are constantly ringing in my ears.

Yes, life is changing. This yellow metal shining on my finger is a constant reminder of this fact. Probably this is the reason why “ring ceremony” takes place. Serves as a reminder that you are not alone any more and bigger responsibilities lie ahead.

When I cried in the morning I missed my mother. I do not cry because I am weak. I cry because at that moment I feel unable to express. I am either overwhelmed or scared and intimidated.

It is true that you cannot expect men to be as sensitive and understanding as women. They are programmed differently and hence react differently. Internalizing this fact needs some time as each woman expects from her man to read her before she says something, to make her feel loved without her telling him to do that, express his feelings etc. expression does not come to men easily. They do not think about the consequences, the roads that may diverge and the efforts which may bring unforeseen results. My man is no different.

And since I understand this I am supposed to be more understanding.

TSM

He looks into my eyes with a smile spread across his face, yet I am asking myself what is that these eyes hold.

I try to look into those beautiful eyes staring hard trying to find an answer but his smile steals my focus and I am unable to hide my smile. The smile that radiates the warmth in my heart and the feeling of pure bliss, though I do not know what he thinks of my smile!

I have stopped “thinking” a long time ago and have learnt to live the moment. The moment when he is with me and I am floating in the moment of this togetherness. The consequences, I am not bothered about because when you fallen into deep gorge once, all that you can do is rise.

He asked me did I hear the pianos or the bells with an expression so typical of him. I could not stop myself smiling at his ignorance/innocence. He really did not believe me when I say share the feelings I have for him and I do not blame him. I guess I seem to be crazy enough saying such things J. Anyways, love is not bells ringing or pianos playing. Life is not a sharukh khan’s movie afterall! Love cannot be defined and each individual forms his/her own definition/form of love. It is a universal feeling yet most personalized. It has different forms and manifests itself in the weirdest ways. Yet to identify it, feel it and accept is an experience of bliss in itself.

I do not know what I liked in him and yes like clichéd romantic novels my heart does not skip a beat seeing him. Yes, when I see him after so many days there is a big smile and when he hugs me and takes me in his arms, my world comes to a stop. He is not a romantic, he is creative yet lacks the ability to say mushy/soft things J . His creativity is at its best when his sarcasm soars high. A talent in itself and I appreciate. I like doing things for him though at times it tires me but still I feel like pampering him. After all it’s all about how much you can make the other person feel special and important to you, the way in which you touch their lives.

He may never accept that he has feelings for me beyond likeness and it may take me a lifetime to make him understand what love means to me for him ,but I won’t mind because it will give me a lifetime with him.

Beautiful are those who can smile with their eyes,

Blessed are those who can become that reason,

Love is not an empty four letter word

But a intricately woven emotion

With it you shine and you rise

Bliss in all four seasons

You are the world

And world is you.

Wandering Mind

There are times when the mind wanders into the territories of unknown dimensions and there are also times when it gets trapped in those boundaries. It might be a thought, a moment, a person or a good intricate web of wishful thinking. What makes this wandering happen? What are the triggers?

Is the vacuum felt because of the absence of some particular thing? Or are the lyrics of some random song playing on the radio? Is it the colourful bunch of bangles that the street-vendor is selling or is the grim expression on the face of the person crossing the street? The human mind behaves in funny ways indeed! A complete unrelated set of events can trigger the memory of something relevant and make the mind wander into those streets of contemplations and conclusions. Is it by default or design that such triggers are generated so often in an ordinary human day that the world seems to be so close at one time and yet far at the next second?

Man is a social animal, the most used, abused, misused statement of sociology. If this “social” aspect is to be thought upon then it may give the answer to the above raised questions. But is this the fundamental answer. What makes me relate to random person when I see him/her crossing the road in a zig-zag manner? Is the reason this that I too behave the same in such a situation? The similar reactions/ behaviour in particular circumstances can lead to this relativity and wandering of mind but then when every human being is considered to be unique then from where this similarity emerges.  The social fabric, the external conditioning that a child receives, which is more or less similar in our society despite of the varied differences, is the reason behind similar behaviours. The triggers might vary from individual to individual but since the conditioning have been of similar nature; it can result into similar behaviours.

When society is so powerful, the beliefs, the norms, the rituals so strong then why the human is weak? Men make the society, isn’t it? Weak men cannot make such strong norms and rituals and a strong society? Is the weakness of men camouflaged in this strength that is portrayed? Do these srict norms flaunt the innate inhibitions of human mind? Is this the entire illusion of social fabric and society is a pretentious tactic of humans? 

Chemical Love

Love… the most talked about “word” or “feeling”, as per the convenience of the individual under the spotlight. Interpreted and misinterpreted since the evolution of mankind. Physical, emotional, mental and plenty other forms of love have been revolving around the existence of us humans. Another zillions articles, essays, technologies have been evolved to find out whether someone is in love, to “measure” the love, classify into categories and even to evaluate the nature of the love. Lots of brainstorming for the love and dedicatedly involved public in dissecting it and interpreting the meaning relevant to their context. But isn’t it funny, this entire business of love?

 I have always believed that the people we come across in our lives always teach us something, even if they leave us at some turn. They give us one thing which we carry forward in our lives. That one thing could be a lesson of what not to do or some beautiful memory of what was done. People and our associations with them make us worldly wise and I guess a better human being. 

Love in platonic form is an entirely different phenomenon than being closely entwined with someone from your body and soul. The experience is ethereal. But then it entirely depends on the fact that who the person is and what is the level of willingness in it. Passion and love comes later.

The first experience of being so close to someone you have fallen for is a like a mixed bag of chocolates.

Ecstasy of an Innocent Heart

The wind was blowing the hairs away from her face. She was two steps behind and the hand that was holding mine was guiding the way ahead. The skin was warm and the grip strong. Though very few words were being exchanged, the silence did not prove to be uncomfortable. The feeling of bliss was silently flowing between them. The wind was indeed doing the tricks. She pulled him back asking to walk by her side, pulling him closer holding his hand. They continued to walk in silence with occasional sound of the vehicles passing by. The destination was not very far but neither of the two was in the hurry to reach. They knew they would have to part till they do not find another opportunity, another escapade to be with each other. Yes, it was their little secret.

He pulled her close and wrapped his arm around her neck and hid his face in her hairs. The warmth of his skin felt nice on her skin. She closed her eyes and felt his breath. They were still walking looking for some solace is some corner where the world is not watching and they can become lost in each other. But tonight did not seem to favour them. The need to be in each other’s arms, though only for few minutes, did not seem to turn into reality. They knew they have to part soon yet they kept walking, hoping against all hopes.

What were the thoughts dancing in their head? What was he thinking when he was holding her hand in his strong grip and took the hand and placed his lips on it. He placed a kiss on her hand expressing how dear she is to him and how much it meant to him. She was taken aback for a moment. Yet she sensed the emotions in him and smiled back and took his hand in hers and made him feel that she is there, right by his side, always and forever.

The time seemed to fly and the darkness continued to deepen. She did not want to go nor did he want to leave her at that crossroad. She looked at him for that one last look into his eyes before he bade goodbye for the night and she felt the emotions gushing to her cheeks and a sadness creeping in her heart. Yet she did not know what to “name” these emotions and wonders if he feels the same. But then as she says goodbye and place a kiss on his soft cheek and he let her go from his embrace, a thought dances in her head. Is it required to “name” everything and put the “feeling” in the cage of this named entity? She smiled at herself as she climbed the stairs of her building realising that the feeling she has been experiencing is beyond the definitions of the existing words.

Pure bliss has no boundaries. No definitions. It is just the person who creates it.

Yes, it is pure bliss.  She continues to think about him, smiling occasionally when some memory hits again. It is him who is making her world go round and embracing her world to make it their world. The wind is strong now. Pushing the curtains on the window and hitting her face. The soft music playing in the background and his touches lingering on the skin, has she been so happy before? She does not care to answer. All that matters is the broad smile on her face knowing that he is happy too. 

Chapters Pre-Nuptial-2

Days are passing so quickly. Time is flying really. My brain is feeling incapable of imbibing the pace with which things are happening. I wish I can hold this time for some more moments.

I cannot help myself thinking of the D-day and the days following it. The picture is vivid in my mind of platform from where I will depart leaving everything that was supposed to be mine for all these 24 years. Taking a new identity,  new responsibilities, new image , the train will depart and I will watch with tears welled up in my eyes. At first I used to think I will never cry on any occasion but I now believe it was just my immaturity. No one will be able to stop me from crying, I have this feeling quite strongly now. Tears well into my eyes every time I think about it then how will they not come when it will actually be happening.

I have always put up a brave face, even if I am crumbling from inside but I do not think any courage will work that day. When face of my mum and dad flash infront of me all I get to my knees. Dad especially. My sisters, who  I have tended like babies.

This phase comes in every women’s life, only the intensity is different. In my case it is indeed intense. Or is it that I am experiencing it too intensely. I do not know.

I wish my to-be husband could talk to me more. Talk means real talk. He is so forgetful and sbsent-minded that it will never occur to him that he should try to know what is going in my mind or such feelings could be so intense. He misses the trees for the forest. And then I feel empty.

I have been the kind that I need real conversations to keep my sanity in place. Else it will be like me functionally doing everything, performing every chore, maintaining social life but spiritually and emotionally getting empty day by day.

Wish he could understand.

Chapters Pre-Nuptial-1

Another night of arguments, another night of lingering despair. Failing to understand what is happening. Why is the emphasis on me understanding everything and the next person dancing away in ignorance. I at times wonder whether he has ever tried to understand me. Me as a person, me as a manifestation of my habits, my beliefs and my faith. At times the answer is yes but his expressions of exasperation reverse all positive beliefs.

I do not know what it is. Is he like an onion? Peel by peel new revelations. His anger scares me. His violence intimidates me. It takes me one step farther from him. Its already like I have been married for 10 years and everything is lost in the marriage. If I tell him this, he will say I am mad to think this but will he really try to understand why I feel so.

These all are blank questions. Maybe marriage and commitments are like this. Maybe when marriage comes love is lost amidst the baggage of responsibilities. But is it supposed to be me carrying these responsibilities? I am suppose to leave my house and everything behind to enter into an entirely different set of scene. But how can I let go of my responsibilities for my parents and my sisters, for whom the world circles around me. Is he going to support me to be there for them? How can I tell.

Indian society and seeds grown in this society can never change. I will never be able to forget the words spoken last night nor the look in his eyes. I guess this is what marriage brings: submission and this is what I need to follow to maintain peace.

It’s a Sunday today and what I am doing is cooking and cleaning with my future husband sleeping soundly. Guess this is the fate every woman comes to and is born with. Selfless serving.